So you know those cliqué movie scenes where the main character is standing still in the middle of a rushing crowd, and everyone and everything passing by is just a momentary blur? Well, my life feels a little bit like that.
For so long I have denied myself the ability to be invested in the things that I am doing. I am constantly thinking about the things I should and could be doing instead of what is happening at the moment. When I'm at band, I'm thinking about how I can weave my experiences into an enthralling 400 to 500 word essay to show colleges that I am, indeed, an interesting person. When I'm doing one of my seven million IB assignments, I'm thinking about how I could be practicing and perfecting my show music so I can be the best section leader I can be. When I'm trying to get to sleep after a hard day's work, I can't because all of the unfinished things I have to do tomorrow or next week or next month. When I'm filling out my name, birthdate, and address for the twelfth time, I'm thinking about how if I don't get it done soon, I'm not going to finish the homework that could also determine whether I get to go where I want next year. And that's assuming I actually have a concrete thought about what I actually want for myself next year. Which I haven't yet because I'm too preoccupied thinking about everything else. Even when I'm procrastinating doing these things, I can't enjoy my Netflix movies or naps because I feel guilty for not doing any of the things on my endless to do list.
It's a vicious cycle and it has smudged my life into a big blur of uncertainty and dissatisfaction.
And I don't want that for myself.
I want to love every last minute I have with my band family.
I want to write meaningfully about myself and how I want to live life not just sales pitches that skim the surface of who I am but are "creative and clever" to catch the eye of some faceless admissions officer.
I want to care about the education I've been given and let myself study things that are interesting to me and explore the wondrous world I was born to explore.
I want to see life in its multitude of beautiful colors rather than the shades of black and white that I have been.
And the only one in the way of what I want is me. So don't be like me. Live life like you want to not like you're expected to.
Have a beautiful September 28th,
Colleen
p.s. You're welcome for this absolute bundle of happiness :P
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Monday, September 15, 2014
Radioactive
Hello Internet!
It's been awhile since I wrote but there's a thing I've been thinking a lot lately and even though it's not really my normal school/teenage life post, I thought I could share it with ya'll. And if you or I do not have "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons stuck in our heads by the end of this, I believe I will have failed at my ultimate mission to get catchy songs stuck in everyone's heads all the time and it will be a grave day in the blogosphere.
But I've been thinking about radioactivity from a different angle since my mother had a radioactive iodine treatment as the final stage of her thyroidectemy (Is that the right term for it? Probably not, Google put that unfriendly red line underneath it. Oh well.) and I've thought more about radioactivity recently than I have even studying for any radioactive decay chemistry test. Here are the things that have been swirling round in my mind for a few days.
Radioactivity. Sounds scary, right? Good, because it should be.
Radioactive chemicals can and will kill you. (Cheerful, I know. I try) If Fukishima, Chernobyl, and Marie Curie have taught us anything it's that radioactivity messes up things. The Fukishima reactor fiasco is starting to be blamed for poorer health conditions in Japan and potentially deadly microorganisms in the ocean that may have mutated due to the radioactive leak. Chernobyl has been vacant for 30+? years (I didn't fact check, whatever) and probably will still be unsuitable for humans for 30 more years. One day it's a thriving factory with hundreds, maybe thousands of workers and the next it it a ghost town. Marie Curie's journals are still kept in a vault underneath France's Bibliotheque National (fact checked that because I knew I would get it wrong :D) with 2 foot thick metal walls and anyone who views them must don a full body hazmat suit. Curie died in 1934 so those papers are at least 80 years old and are still too dangerous to be stored and viewed normally. Dang.
But then again, radioactivity can give us strength we could have never dreamed of, at least in the comic books. (Sorry, I just had to. I'm in Arrow withdrawals. Why Netflix did you delay Season 2's release date?!? But I digress) Spider-Man was bit by a radioactive spider, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Yes, they totally qualify as superheroes) were exposed to radioactive chemicals. The Fantastic Four, The Hulk, Daredevil and many other heroes began as normal people exposed to radiation. And they became great, using their differences to help others and learn about themselves.
Yes, I know this is sort of a ludicrous argument but I'd like to think that the curious and intelligent can find meaning in even the most ludicrous of arguments.
So what I got from these strange musings about deadly toxins was yes, things in this world can hurt us, and that hurt can be slow and linger for years and years. And it is so easy to just stay away from things that hurt us and be okay. But if we do that, we miss out on the opportunity to create or to discover something new. Sure, sometimes we can make mistakes, get hurt, change because of the things we encounter but they make us stronger and teach us about what we can do to make it right or make it better.
So maybe radioactive isn't as bad as we think. Maybe we all just need to explore a little more. And if you mess it up, hey, you might just get super powers.
This post is either super insightful or absolutely ridiculous. I can't tell yet. You be the judge.
Have an excellent hour and a half left of September 15th,
Colleen
It's been awhile since I wrote but there's a thing I've been thinking a lot lately and even though it's not really my normal school/teenage life post, I thought I could share it with ya'll. And if you or I do not have "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons stuck in our heads by the end of this, I believe I will have failed at my ultimate mission to get catchy songs stuck in everyone's heads all the time and it will be a grave day in the blogosphere.
But I've been thinking about radioactivity from a different angle since my mother had a radioactive iodine treatment as the final stage of her thyroidectemy (Is that the right term for it? Probably not, Google put that unfriendly red line underneath it. Oh well.) and I've thought more about radioactivity recently than I have even studying for any radioactive decay chemistry test. Here are the things that have been swirling round in my mind for a few days.
Radioactivity. Sounds scary, right? Good, because it should be.
Radioactive chemicals can and will kill you. (Cheerful, I know. I try) If Fukishima, Chernobyl, and Marie Curie have taught us anything it's that radioactivity messes up things. The Fukishima reactor fiasco is starting to be blamed for poorer health conditions in Japan and potentially deadly microorganisms in the ocean that may have mutated due to the radioactive leak. Chernobyl has been vacant for 30+? years (I didn't fact check, whatever) and probably will still be unsuitable for humans for 30 more years. One day it's a thriving factory with hundreds, maybe thousands of workers and the next it it a ghost town. Marie Curie's journals are still kept in a vault underneath France's Bibliotheque National (fact checked that because I knew I would get it wrong :D) with 2 foot thick metal walls and anyone who views them must don a full body hazmat suit. Curie died in 1934 so those papers are at least 80 years old and are still too dangerous to be stored and viewed normally. Dang.
But then again, radioactivity can give us strength we could have never dreamed of, at least in the comic books. (Sorry, I just had to. I'm in Arrow withdrawals. Why Netflix did you delay Season 2's release date?!? But I digress) Spider-Man was bit by a radioactive spider, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Yes, they totally qualify as superheroes) were exposed to radioactive chemicals. The Fantastic Four, The Hulk, Daredevil and many other heroes began as normal people exposed to radiation. And they became great, using their differences to help others and learn about themselves.
Yes, I know this is sort of a ludicrous argument but I'd like to think that the curious and intelligent can find meaning in even the most ludicrous of arguments.
So what I got from these strange musings about deadly toxins was yes, things in this world can hurt us, and that hurt can be slow and linger for years and years. And it is so easy to just stay away from things that hurt us and be okay. But if we do that, we miss out on the opportunity to create or to discover something new. Sure, sometimes we can make mistakes, get hurt, change because of the things we encounter but they make us stronger and teach us about what we can do to make it right or make it better.
So maybe radioactive isn't as bad as we think. Maybe we all just need to explore a little more. And if you mess it up, hey, you might just get super powers.
This post is either super insightful or absolutely ridiculous. I can't tell yet. You be the judge.
Have an excellent hour and a half left of September 15th,
Colleen
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