Blurred

So you know those cliqué movie scenes where the main character is standing still in the middle of a rushing crowd, and everyone and everything passing by is just a momentary blur? Well, my life feels a little bit like that.

For so long I have denied myself the ability to be invested in the things that I am doing. I am constantly thinking about the things I should and could be doing instead of what is happening at the moment. When I'm at band, I'm thinking about how I can weave my experiences into an enthralling 400 to 500 word essay to show colleges that I am, indeed, an interesting person. When I'm doing one of my seven million IB assignments, I'm thinking about how I could be practicing and perfecting my show music so I can be the best section leader I can be. When I'm trying to get to sleep after a hard day's work, I can't because all of the unfinished things I have to do tomorrow or next week or next month. When I'm filling out my name, birthdate, and address for the twelfth time, I'm thinking about how if I don't get it done soon, I'm not going to finish the homework that could also determine whether I get to go where I want next year. And that's assuming I actually have a concrete thought about what I actually want for myself next year. Which I haven't yet because I'm too preoccupied thinking about everything else. Even when I'm procrastinating doing these things, I can't enjoy my Netflix movies or naps because I feel guilty for not doing any of the things on my endless to do list.

It's a vicious cycle and it has smudged my life into a big blur of uncertainty and dissatisfaction.
And I don't want that for myself.

I want to love every last minute I have with my band family.
I want to write meaningfully about myself and how I want to live life not just sales pitches that skim the surface of who I am but are "creative and clever" to catch the eye of some faceless admissions officer.
I want to care about the education I've been given and let myself study things that are interesting to me and explore the wondrous world I was born to explore.

I want to see life in its multitude of beautiful colors rather than the shades of black and white that I have been.

And the only one in the way of what I want is me. So don't be like me. Live life like you want to not like you're expected to.

Have a beautiful September 28th,
Colleen

p.s. You're welcome for this absolute bundle of happiness :P